Friday, 27 December 2013

Feeling Like The Big Engine That Couldn't







It really is amazing to me how one little thing can seem to trigger a mountain of emotions to suddenly pour out.



I brought my car in today to patch one of my tires and ended up needing to replace 2 tires and fix my alignment.



As annoying, and unfortunately more expensive than I was planning the visit to the mechanic's to be, it did NOT warrant the meltdown that I had in the waiting area. Well, silent meltdown.






Fortunately, my back was to everyone coming into the shop and also to the guy working at the counter. When he finally realized that I was sobbing he was very sweet and said that I was going to make HIM cry.


He asked "what's wrong".



I couldn't think of anything to say without pouring out say.....the last 3 or 4 years of my life...so I just shook my head and cried more. And I promised him that I will be fine.





And that is the truth. I will be fine.



(little peanut due in April)







But today, I just feel like 'The Big Engine That Couldn't'.






Today, I feel like I can't possibly continue to work at my 2 jobs. I'm too tired. My hips hurt. My back hurts. It's too hard to co-ordinate babysitting....


I can't.



Today, I feel like I can't possibly go back to having an infant. The sleepless nights, weeks, months. The nursing, the crying, the colic....



I can't.



Today, I feel like I can't possibly have enough love in me to give to 3 children. Enough patience. Enough energy. Enough resources.....



I can't.



I just can't possibly, CAN'T POSSIBLY believe that I can do this on my own.


I can't.



I can't. I can't. I can't.






But, somewhere in there- deep down- I know that I can.



Somewhere deep down, I know that I have the strength.






And although I have always been strong, over the course of the last few years I have found strength that I never realized that I had.




I have found strength in faith.


I have found strength in being weak.


I have found strength in being vulnerable.


I have found strength in letting my tears fall.






And so, now that my tears have fallen, tomorrow I will start a new day. And I will be strong. For me. For my boys.




Feeling alone, but very loved.

Feeling depleted, but still breathing.

Feeling hopeless, but somehow connected to something greater than me.





And I will open my eyes to the new day and say 

"I can".





Blessings.





3 comments:

  1. You are the little red engine that could!! and you will!!
    Wonderful pregnancy raging hormones that mess with you!!
    Delegate some of your home jobs!!!
    Stay strong, you will conquer and don't be afraid to ask for help!!

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  2. When we are weak..HE is strong! That has been my motto the last 6 months as I've battled depression, rage and my own perfectionism ....all due to my new adjustments in life. Hold on girl, our Father will get us through this. Hugs!

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  3. You are a constant source of inspiration, Melissa. You know we're all here for you and we'll do anything we can to help you through all the tough times. Keep being strong and keep the faith. It's the most powerful thing we have. *love and hugs*

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