Monday, 6 January 2014

Considering The Adoption Option- Self-LESS or Self-ISH?








Lately I have been thinking more and more about the adoption option for this baby.



I'm trying to decide if it as a selfish choice- in that I am taking the 'easy way out'- or if it would be a selfless choice.



I suppose, in the end, it would be a little from each column.



I lie awake and wonder if this baby was given to me in order to bless another family that is desperately waiting for a child.



Maybe this baby was given to me- specifically me- because I have BEEN THERE. I can vividly remember how it felt to ache inside for a child to mother. How it felt to endure not only the intrusive and invasive tests while living through IVF, but also coping with the just-as-invasive questions while I completed my Home Study for adoption.



I can remember how incredibly devastating it was to see everyone around me getting pregnant and having babies, when ALL I WANTED IN LIFE was to experience the same for myself.




Is this baby the answer to the question that I asked over and over and over again during that dark time in my life- "WHY???" 




"WHY do I have to go through this?"

"WHY- when I BELIEVE that I would be a good mother to a child??"




Did I live through that darkness years ago simply in order to better understand the situation that I am living through now??



Perhaps.



Or, perhaps this baby was given to me- specifically me- BECAUSE I yearned so badly and for so long to be a mother. Because I made it through. Because I persevered. A 'reward', or something.... I don't think life works that way, though...




All I know is that my 6-year-old already ADORES this baby. He has given the baby a name and says 'goodnight' to him every night.




And for THAT reason, my seemingly (to me) selfish adoption option gets tabled again.




In SO many ways, I would LOVE to bless a family with this dear life growing inside of me. In SO many ways, I would like to go about my life the way that it has been for the last few years. 




I can handle my two boys. I have two eyes to watch them with. I have two hands that can hold theirs. I have two arms that can wrap around them. I have two lips that can cover them with kisses. 





But then, a large part of me is hoping that one more will just add to the joy of our little family. After all, I have one heart, but it loves many. I have one womb, but it has formed three lives. I have one mind, but it has the power to make momentous decisions- like this one that I face over these next few months.... 





To be Self-less? To be Self-fish? 


To bless others? To add to my own family?



Whatever choice is made, this baby will be a blessing. This baby will be loved. He will be treasured.




And I suppose- for now- I can rest in that truth. And leave the options for another day....






2 comments:

  1. I don't think you're thoughts are selfish at all! I think that they are giving and wonderful. As another mother that has been on your journey, I can see were your heart is and I totally can put myself in your shoes and I think I'd be thinking all the same thoughts!

    Just remember, that while you only have two hands, eyes and feet. There is a bigger set of hands, eyes and feet that are watching over not just for little family, but the whole world and HE's big enough to hold your family together, if that is the choice you make. He's also big enough to turn the sadness of loss that will be felt all around, if you decide to bless someone else.

    I love you, I'm praying for you, total peace in whatever decision you make.

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  2. This is beautifully written, Melissa, obviously by someone so full of passion and compassion on the subject matter. Whatever you decide, we will support you and help you through it. And I know he will be loved regardless. xoxo

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