Tuesday, 8 April 2014

Three Weeks To Go And Feeling....

(Capturing Imagination Photography)

I guess I didn't realize when I posted about considering adoption, that people would be wondering what my decision would turn out to be.

Well, I will be keeping this baby. He is due in 3 weeks.

I am frequently asked how I am feeling.

I am not exactly sure how to answer this question.

I guess I am feeling terrified. 

I do, of course, realize that most parents-to-be feel some version of fear- even if we don't let on. Fear for the future of the child. Fear about wondering how we will ever support and raise this helpless baby to be a functioning (and hopefully contributing) member of society. Fear for the health of the baby. 

( Capturing Imagination Photography)

I absolutely have all of those fears.

But I have others that haunt me.

If I am truly honest with myself- I fear that I simply won't be enough. That I won't have enough energy in me for all 3 boys. That there just will not be enough time in the day to adequately love all 3 boys. That one, or two, or ALL of them will almost definitely miss out. 

I fear that the added pressure of buying a home and a larger vehicle in the past few months will cause me to be short with them. To focus more on money and less on just being in the 'NOW' with them. And that would be counter-productive of the life that I have tried so hard to set up for us until now. Of that, I am terrified.

I fear that I will make mistakes. Even though I KNOW that I will indeed make many, many, many in my lifetime- making mistakes in regards to my children causes a particularly horrible feeling of dread.

But I have an even worse fear.

I hate to admit this, but I am feeling absolutely, positively, BEYOND intimidated to meet this new baby.

(Capturing Imagination Photography

I worry that I won't feel a bond with him when he is born. What kind of mother feels this way? When I mention this to anyone- I am reassured that I will, in fact, bond with this baby. Probably immediately. But it is a fear that lingers. It is a fear that I can't seem to shake.

And I suppose all I am able to do about this fear is meet it straight on. To refuse to live in fear and vow to love this baby boy with all that I have in me to give. To be the best mother that I can possibly be to all 3 of my sons.

And to be honest with myself and with others when I need help with this. To lean on the support that I have in place. To be strong. To be wise. And to be gracious with myself when I falter.

So, in the next couple of weeks until this baby comes, I will strive to live in the opposite of fear. To be confident. To have faith. To try to be calm, brave, and assured. Assured that although some things I cannot control- he may have health problems, he may not grow up to be all that I dream for him- I can decide to love and accept him. And to give him a loving home with 2 brothers that will most certainly adore him.

(Capturing Imagination Photography

Peace and Blessings.

And updates to come...